Marlene Klepees: the amazing inspiration. Not.

Hey, yesterday I visited the moon. Cool, huh? I knew you’d be impressed.
What’s that? You’d like proof? Well, I took some photos. What? Where are they? I dropped them in a lake. They were nice photos, though. You could see the crevices, some dust among all the other stuff. Give me your life’s earnings and I’ll send you up on my homemade rocket tomorrow. Bring sandwiches.
Hey, Marlene Klepees used to have cerebral palsy but it disappeared overnight…
I don’t want to spend too much time discussing Marlene, the woman who preaches God cured her of cerebral palsy. I don’t know if there’s any point. I’d like to deconvert her followers, but it seems they’d believe anything if you told them God did it. I grew another toe yesterday, Glory be.
The issue is that I know Marlene is but one of many bullshitters who talk of the unbearable cruelties of {some disability/illness} and of God’s power to cure all with the click of those giant invisible fingers. I’d like to tear Marlene’s story apart sentence by sentence but 1) it just doesn’t deserve my effort and attention and 2) I’m happy that her story sucks. And I don’t mean that it’s full of hardship and emotion, I mean it sucks. All 3 versions of it.
That’s what this post is. A counterbalance to all the deluded praise that comes up when you search her name. Yo Marlene, you suck. Yeah.
Alright, we’ll analyse a tiny bit of her story because it made me laugh:

During her teenage years, Marlene suffered numerous spasms caused by muscular surgery. These attacks were sometimes so violent they left her attendants with broken bones. After one severe spasm, Marlene was left almost totally paralyzed. Her vision, along with the rest of her condition, grew progressively worse. LINK

So during my lifetime I’ve slapped an array of people, from physiotherapists to family members to school friends to carers, but a slap across the face or an elbow to the crotch is as bad as you’re going to get*. Unlike Marlene I don’t find myself locking people in UFC-worthy armlocks.
’Hey, thatwheelchairguy.’
’You know you have a screaming stranger in a crossface, right?’
’Oh, not again.’
I think God lent Marlene a portion of His unlimited super-strength, but she got so ungrateful and whiny over having cerebral palsy He took it away as punishment. That’s one thing about this disability though, one day you’re fighting off a gang of merciless spasms and then by morning you’re (almost) completely paralysed. Happens at least once a week. When spasms attack, watch your back.
It’s sad that people like Marlene have audiences to draw upon. My worst nightmare is being locked in a room with one of her fans. They’re the ones who gobble up the assumption that disability is an evil to be vanquished, unless God doesn’t want to heal you (as He doesn’t want to heal anyone except Marlene from cerebral palsy), in which case your disability was part of His plan, He’s giving you a bigger test of faith in exchange for a bigger reward in the afterlife, maybe. And don’t worry, believers, I know Marlene and friends don’t represent all people of faith, thank God.
Above all, I’d like to know who Marlene the person is, if Marlene is her real name. In my opinion, she’s either a shameless scammer who knows exactly what she’s doing and does it for donations (mentioning the same church over and over), or she’s been telling the same story so often that, over time, she’s deluded herself. So which one? For the the sake of her health, I hope it’s the former. For the sake of humanity, I’ll pretend it’s the latter.

*Please don’t fear me. I haven’t hurt anybody in, like, days.


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