Radio Nah-Nah

One of my favourite films is Groundhog Day, but it’s one of those films where I’m happy just to watch. In other words, the scenario would be a sucky experience and I’m glad I’ll never be stuck in an eternal cycle, with no prospect of change. Ha, just joking: there exists this thing called radio which delivers that same experience for free!
You know that bit where Bill Murray keeps waking up to ’I’ve Got You Babe’?
They say we’re young and we don’t know…
They say we’re young and we don’t know…
They say we’re young and we don’t know…

I bet he really hated that song after a few weeks of hearing it daily, yet it would still come on the next day, and the next (it’s really the same day, but whatever). Well, every day I KNOW what I’ll be hearing in the car. Not because I have my own CDs on – what an absurd idea – it’s just all the radio stations we receive have a 6-song playlist which they share amongst each other. All except for Radio 1 that is, who possess 6 of the most recent songs but I’d rather hammer 50,000 nails into a wall than listen to Radio 1 because, although it’d take me about 5 million decades to finish the task, it’d be a less repetitive lifestyle than if I tuned into the station every day, every week.
I guess I’m still in their supposed age-range, but they just try too hard. The 40+ year-old presenters can’t like every song that they’re forced to play. But they pretend the amount of dub in that step was too hard to handle. And that rock, man. It has the beats.
’I’m right down with that one. I don’t know if you heard my colleague play it half-an-hour ago, so I played it again just in case. Sick.’
Let me explain my problem with Radio 1. When I was in secondary school I used to have a 10-minute bus ride to and from school. Then I got a new bus driver and a new schedule. Now we’d have to pick up and drop off other people, and as I lived furthest away I was the first on and last off and the journey had an extra 10-minutes added to it. That’s OK, I’m patient enough. But then the driver turned on Radio 1, and he kept it on FOREVER!
I swear I heard the Kooks’ song ‘Paper Dreams’ 10 times a week, once in the morning and again on the way back. I relieved some of the pain by imagining the band having a long, torturous tattoo together, the Radio 1 logo spread across their collective ass cheek and an arrow: ‘Insert disk here’. Then there was this other song where this guy sung, ’I’ve had the same jeans on for 4 days now.’ After a straight fortnight of that I was weeping inside, ’ For the love of Levi, please just change your jeans! I’ll happily burn them if that would help.’ Thankfully I’ve found if it’s a good, emotive song any annoyance I have towards it turns to happiness as soon as Radio 1 (or the other samey stations) finally drop it off their playlist. In fact I’ve been known to binge listen to an artist or band I’ve recently fallen in love with. I guess the difference is that I’m in control, that I’m choosing to let the songs into my life, the artist or band has hooked me in and won’t let me go.
My issue with Radio 1 wasn’t that they played awful songs (although many were) it’s that every bus ride felt exactly the same. The same route, the same stops, nobody speaking, the bus assistant sleeping so no conversation there either. And to top it off, this thing called a radio, this channel which must have access to thousands of songs was rubbing it all in. Every single day.
The worst thing about FM radio stations, worse than the limited music cycle, is the presenters. You always have the happy guy. Every station seems to employ the same happy guy. He loves your texts about lost socks, he loves moaning about the weather, and he loves you, whoever you are. I actually don’t mind the happy guy. If he ever showed a slip of annoyance heavy birds would drop from the sky, crushing every puppy in existence. There’s another guy, though, who keeps giving out teasers he’s made up. You know when they want to hook you in so you’ll endure depressingly bland Injury Lawyer adverts to find out what song they’re playing next? Of course, this can work well IF you have more than 6 songs to guess from. But here’s the worst part. Not only does he refer to the song without acknowledging it was played an hour ago, he builds up to it using a teaser I’ve heard him utter before. So far I’ve heard him use the same teaser 3 times in a month. It’s gotten to the point where he could hand out teasers of his song teasers and I’d still guess correctly. How hard is it to find a variety of facts on 1 song? At least he acknowledges this bit, though:
’I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again, next up is my second favourite Nelly, after the elephant…’
They should acknowledge their flaws more often. Just say ’Today we’re playing exactly what we played yesterday in a slightly different order (if you’re lucky).’ It’ll make the monotony more bearable. It’d be like if someone had jumped into Groundhog Day to say ’Hang in there Bill, it’s going to be OK.’


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